"Swinging" or "swingers" tend to have negative connotations - or at least misunderstood, namely by porn. For many, especially newcomers, the swinger lifestyle can even be intimidating. In reality, however, it's just a lifestyle that includes partnered couples in a committed relationship who are open to recreational sex with other people.
"The swinger lifestyle is often used specifically for heterosexual couples who frequently have sex with other people at parties or events, but it can also be used more broadly," explains Searah Deysach, sex educator and owner of sex shop Early to Bed. It's not just a husband and wife who are looking outside of their marriage.
What is a swinger lifestyle?
"Sometimes that includes other couples, sometimes other singles, but usually it focuses on the committed partners who have some kind of shared erotic experience," adds Dr. Kate Balestrieri, Licensed Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist, and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. This can range from foreplay and oral sex to a full evening of unadulterated penetration.
Couples choose to embrace the swinger lifestyle for a variety of reasons. They might be turned on by the idea of watching their partner with someone else and their novelty, or they might lack a robust sex life. Regardless, there's only one way to make the lifestyle work: "Communication, communication, communication," Balestrieri emphasizes. “Listening to each other and setting boundaries that protect each partner is key. Without prioritizing protecting the couple relationship, many couples find themselves in a heap of pain.”
However, when both partners are fully on board, according to Balestrieri, the swinger lifestyle can offer "the best of both worlds": the security of a long-term partnership with the sexual novelty of being single.
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How to start the swinger lifestyle
First, talk to your partner about your thoughts about rocking. Have an open conversation about what you're looking for and perhaps why you find the lifestyle attractive.
Rate their thoughts on this. "If they say 'okay' but don't seem really enthusiastic, put the brakes on," advises Deysach. The last thing you want to do is push your significant other to do something they don't want to do. This will not end well for either party.
If they seem 100 percent interested -- this may require more than one conversation -- it may help to speak to a sex therapist before jumping in. "This is a great way to learn what you don't know and consciously prepare to open up your relationship that way," says Balestrieri.
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How do you find other swingers?
You don't have to try to pick up subtle clues at a dinner party or a club. There is an app for that. Just like traditional dating sites, modern technology can help you connect with other swingers. Deysach points to Feeld, a dating app that allows couples to sign up together with a joint account to make it easier to find others interested in having sex with a couple. You can also download SDC Swingers Lifestyle Dating.
She also recommends checking Reddit or Fetlife for parties that promote the lifestyle, as swingers clubs are less popular these days. Some couples may be surprised at what they find when they start looking, as there are swinger groups in many communities.
You may have heard of an upside down pineapple used as an unofficial symbol for swingers. Couples leave a photo of an upside-down pineapple on their cruise ship cabins and hotel room doors to let fellow travelers know they're ready to swing. Keep an eye out for the swinger pineapple on your next trip.
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How to choose the right person when swinging
This is entirely at the discretion of you and your partner. Balestrieri says some couples prefer local groups because there's a sense of security around familiar people. On the contrary, other people are more comfortable in anonymous groups or playing outside of their local community. There are tour operators dedicated to the swinging lifestyle, like Topless Travel and Luxury Lifestyle Vacations, as well as hotels known for accommodating couples looking for a sexually adventurous getaway.
Deysach adds that some couples create boundaries by only swapping with other couples or engaging in sexual activity with each other's own sex.
Swinger Lifestyle Perks
"If your sex life feels like it's stalled, this can be an exciting opportunity to make a change. If you want to try things that your lover doesn't want, this can be a way to safely meet those needs within the established boundaries of your relationship," says Deysach.
When you consciously embrace the swinger lifestyle, these benefits go beyond just improving your sex life and improve your overall relationship happiness. Balestrieri says some other benefits reported by swinging couples include increased communication and loyalty, greater reciprocity and respect for your partner, higher rates of joint domestic and emotional work, and a vitality for self-exploration.
